Memories are Blissful Poison

I’m not in love.  I haven’t discovered my great passion for anything specific, except, perhaps for reading or getting lost in the past.  The future makes me sad.  The past makes me sad.  The present makes me angry.

Where the hell am I going?

First thing I have felt successful at in quite a while:

Talking someone on tumblr out of suicide, though I’ve only been following them for maybe 2 days.

You told me “No”, the first time I tried to break up with you.

And looking back, now, I wish I would’ve done the same to you, last September.  If I hadn’t let you go, if I hadn’t been too weak to say anything, if I had trusted that you loved me, and that you weren’t ending things because you’d stopped, if, if, if…maybe nothing would have happened.  Maybe I would have come back, and we’d be just as happy now as we were last year at this time.

If only, if only, if only.

You were the only thing right in my life for 9 and a half months.  And then you went away.  And came back.  But nothing’s been right in my life since last September.  I miss being in love.  I miss you.  But I need to let go.  I just don’t know if I can.

I just read something I wrote in my journal almost a year ago.  I can’t feel what I felt then.  I lost it.  I knew I lost it.  I tried to say something a month or two ago.  Things kept getting in the way.  I’ve ignored it.  I haven’t wanted to admit it to myself.  The past can’t be changed, and sometimes it’s too big to forget, to avoid.  I don’t want to live my life trying to forget this, just so I can stay happy.  Things need to change.  I’m sorry.

And I’m sorry for still being too chicken to say it to you.

I keep going over the last of everything.

The last time we’ve kissed, or will ever kiss.

The last time we cuddled or will ever cuddle.

The last time you held me or will ever hold me again.

The last time we fell asleep in each other’s arms, woke up to sunshine, together.

The last time I watched you walk away.

The last of us.

I feel like my heart is breaking all over again.  But for the last time over you.  I’m not sure that’s really true.  I’m not sure my heart will ever stop breaking over you. Our relationship may never have been perfect, but we were perfect for each other, once.  We were so in love with each other.  But I suppose that’s all over now, isn’t it?

I cried in the bathroom for an hour straight last night, before pulling myself together enough to make a cup of tea and eat some cake.   After which I was fairly exhausted and all but fell asleep on the couch, waiting for Kyle.

This school year has been a terrible one, but this summer, I fear, will be even more so.

…keep randomly saying fuck.  If anyone was around, they’d probably think I had turrets.

and on the subject of kyle.

and charlee.

It’s like I keep being reminded that she’s better for you than I am.

And you’ve shared these same things, this same bed with her.  The same music. The same words, the same friends, the same sky.  How can I compete with that?  It’s like you don’t even remember some of what was us.

I know you know that my mood changes faster than the hands of a clock, but do you realize how much of it is because of you?  How much of it is because I feel like you’ve forgotten every happy memory that I’ve held on to.  How much of it is because I question how much of us is holding on to what we once had, and not because we’re really in love, as we were.

I know I loved you.  And that’s the problem.  I know I did.  But I’m not sure if I do anymore.  At least not in the same way.  And how can a love like this every compete with a love like that?  The love we had was so big, so beautiful, that nobody could ever compete.  That nobody could ever make me as happy as you could.  It feels so much smaller, now.

I keep getting this urge to tell you I miss you.  But you’re right here.  So close.

And in another week you’ll be gone again.  California.

I’m happy for you.  I’m glad you’re with Microsoft, I’m glad your future looks so bright.

But I can’t compete with your future.  I’ll be here, alone, again.  And this time without the love we had.  I don’t know how to hold on, anymore.

“If you return to [Kyle]…then you will be removed from my life.”

How can you say that to me?  You think this is the way to protect me?  You’re supposed to be my best friend.  Shouldn’t you support me?

I will miss you terribly if you leave me here alone.  I’m not sure, yet, that returning to Kyle is my decision.  I’m not sure of a whole lot, really, but I thought that you’d always be here.  Of that I was sure.  And now even that appears not to be true.

How could you say such a thing to me? How could you, how could you?